fleshNblood
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(12/25/02 3:20 pm)
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A Christmas Tale
A Christmas Tale: People v. Santa
It was like any other Christmas Eve. I was sitting on the floor in the living room listening to Christmas music and trying to assemble a miniature pool table for my sons. After working diligently for a few hours, I was finally starting to see some progress. My creation was beginning to look like a modern art version of the pool table pictured on the side of the box. Of course, I did seem to have quite a few “extra” parts lying around but I would consult the instructions on that later, assuming I ever learned to read Dutch.
Just then, the radio announcer interrupted Eminem’s version of “Silent [Bleeping] Night” to announce that there was a breaking news story out of Washington, D.C. – Santa Claus was under investigation by the Justice Department. Attorney General Ashcroft had not specified the reason for the investigation but announced that St. Nick was wanted for questioning. Citizens were asked to call a toll-free number (1-888-GET-NICK) if they spotted Santa during the night. Of course, I assumed it was a joke and went back to work on my latest Christmas “masterpiece.”
However, the next morning, I discovered that this was no joke after all. Santa had been arrested at 3:30 a.m. Christmas morning at a Virginia rest stop. Apparently, the FBI had received a tip from a motorist who noticed a man fitting Santa’s general description pulling into a rest stop driving a miniature sleigh pulled by eight tiny reindeer. It was unknown whether the man would get to keep the $1 million reward or whether he would have to split it with others who had responded to the nationwide “Blitzen Alert.”
On December 26th, an anxious world watched as Ashcroft read the charges against the world’s most beloved man. “Santa Claus a/k/a St. Nick a/k/a Kris Kringle is being charged with 100 million counts of criminal trespass. Moreover, he is being charged with interstate smuggling of goods. Lastly, the Justice Department will be cooperating with the Internal Revenue Service to determine whether Santa Claus has been properly declaring the cookies and milk left out for him each Christmas.” If convicted on all counts, Santa could receive up to 1 trillion years in prison, although prosecutors indicated early on that they would not seek jail time in the case.
The next day, Santa’s lawyer, Johnnie Cochran, appeared on Larry King Live. “Larry, my client has an air-tight alibi – he was chipping golf balls at the North Pole at the time. Besides, an old ice hockey injury prevents him from having the agility necessary to commit 100 millions acts of criminal trespass in a single night. What we have here is a rush to Christmas! The Justice Department has already ruled out all other suspects – Cupid, the Easter Bunny. Let me ask you this … where was the Tooth Fairy when all of these crimes were taking place? Besides, we suspect that this prosecution may be racially-motivated. After all, Santa has been providing employment to minority elves for years….”
Cochran’s use of the “elf card” caused an immediate backlash from the public. Millions of Americans began calling talk-radio shows to describe how they had been a good boy or good girl one year but had still not received what they really wanted for Christmas. Before long, the special interest groups jumped into the fray. Business groups claimed that Santa’s gifts hurt retail sales. Labor unions stressed that Santa did not pay his elves minimum wage and asked how American workers were supposed to compete with “third-world slave labor.” Environmentalists accused Santa’s toy factory of depleting the ozone layer above the North Pole. And parents groups complained that Santa’s pipe-smoking set a bad example for children and encouraged underage smoking.
Taking their cues from a disgruntled populace, state officials began bringing local charges against Santa Claus. In just a matter of months, there were cases pending against Santa in each of the 50 states, except California, where prosecutors were already overburdened with trials involving Hollywood actors.
Nevertheless, despite the growing public sentiment against Saint Nick, it became clear that the prosecution didn’t have much hard evidence to make its case. There were no eyewitnesses to Santa’s “home invasions” and the elves were simply not talking. Mrs. Claus, who had divorced Santa in 1975 over an incident involving a North Pole intern, was willing to turn state’s evidence but her testimony was of limited value because she never went out with Santa on his Christmas rides. The reindeer simply could not get the sleigh off the ground with both her and Santa in it.
However, during the summer, the Justice Department got its first big break when Rudolph decided to enter the Reindeer Protection Program and testify against his former boss. Apparently, Rudolph had always harbored some resentment over the fact that Santa never once came to his defense when all of the other reindeer used to shout and call him names and never let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games. And, on that foggy Christmas Eve when Santa came to say, “Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?,” Rudolph knew that one day he would have his revenge.
As the trial approached, the defense requested a change of venue. It argued that Santa would not be tried by a jury of his “peers” in Virginia. Amazingly, the judge agreed that the trial should be held in a place where the prospective jurors would be able to relate to someone like the defendant, who lived in sub-zero climates. Therefore, the trial was moved to the coldest place in America – San Francisco in July.
At trial, the prosecution called thousands of witnesses, each testifying that, on Christmas Eve, they were snug in their beds with visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads, when out on the roof, there arose such a clatter that they jumped from their beds to see what was the matter. Although no witness was able to identify Santa for certain, they all claimed that before he drove out of sight, he said, “Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night.”
The prosecution also provided forensic evidence that linked the hair and cookie crumb fibers found at the scenes of the crimes to Santa. Of course, the centerpiece of the prosecution’s case was Rudolph’s testimony. There was not a dry eye in the courtroom when Rudolph recounted his years of “exploitation” at the hands of the defendant. Rudolph also provided valuable evidence of Santa’s routes. Rudolph even confirmed that during that foggy night years ago, Santa had stopped at the very same rest area where he was arrested on Christmas morning.
When the prosecution rested, the defense immediately called its own forensic experts. They testified that the FBI had been sloppy in collecting hair and cookie crumb samples and therefore, had “contaminated” the crime scenes. They also continued to play the “elf card.” At one point, they introduced a tape of an FBI agent explaining how much he hated the Keebler Elves. On re-examination, the FBI agent eventually admitted to using the “E-word” from time to time.
However, the most controversial moment of the trial came when Johnnie Cochran convinced the judge to allow Santa to prove that he was too fat to squeeze through a chimney. The defense wheeled a standard chimney into the courtroom. Bailiffs wrapped St. Nick in latex and Santa attempted unsuccessfully to climb the chimney. The prosecution complained that Santa had been “jacking around with the chimney” but the damage had been done.
In perhaps the most memorable moment of the trial, Johnnie Cochran made his closing arguments while wearing a red, fur suit and black boots. In summation, he uttered the now immortal words, “If Santa can not fit, you must acquit!” After six minutes of deliberations, the jury acquitted St. Nick on all charges. In an interview as he left the courthouse, Santa promised to spend his remaining Christmases in search of the real trespasser. And with that comment, he lay his finger aside his nose, and giving a nod, up the courthouse chimney he rose.
Although many Americans still believe that Santa Claus got away with “sleigh-way robbery,” his legal troubles were far from over. In the civil suits that followed his acquittal, St. Nick was found liable and assessed damages of $400 billion plus attorneys’ fees. It is rumored that he now supports himself by doing personal appearances at malls during the holidays. Also, Santa’s elves did not fare much better. With Santa’s workshop closed permanently, they moved south in search of toy-making jobs. It is suspected that many of them now work for 3 cents per day in one of Kathie Lee Gifford’s foreign factories.
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