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Doug Milane
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(1/22/03 11:44 am)
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A Parody Summary of OOtP (Mature content)
Harry returning to Hogwarts School after yet another desultory summer with the abusive Dursley family. During the summer, the adolescent Harry’s wizard hormones go into full overdrive and he makes plans to finally declare his love for the vixenish Hermione Granger.
But it’s been a “summer of discovery” for Hermione as well as she blossoms into womanhood faster than Britney Spears and is Miss September in Playwizard wearing nothing but the Sorting Hat and a smile. No sooner does Harry arrive at Hogwarts than he discovers Hermione and his best friend Ron Weasley playing hide the weasel in the Common Room of the Gryffindor dorm.
Enraged by what he views to be the disloyalty of Ron and the sexual abandonment by Hermione (brilliantly juxtaposed by Rowling to an intricate discussion of Freud’s concept of the “castration complex” in an interior monologue conducted by the gamekeeper Hagrid), Harry withdraws from Hogwarts, hops on his Nimbus 2000 and goes to New York, where he takes a job as a salesman at a Manhattan branch of the “Nobody Beats the Wiz” chain of electronics stores.
Unable to sleep, Harry also begins to drive a cab at night. He becomes infatuated with a beautiful woman who works for a presidential campaign and is fond of riding in his cab because it can fly through the air. He asks the beautiful woman out to a movie and she accepts. He takes her to Times Square hoping to find a pornographic movie theater, but the closest thing he can find in the newly sanitized Times Square is a matinee performance of “The Lion King.”
At this point, Rowling seems to abandon her homage to Scorsese’s Taxi Driver and begins a reinterpretation of motifs taken from the Star Wars series. Building on his newly acquired knowledge of electronics, Harry discovers that email is a much faster means of communication than Owl Mail, and has the added advantage of not needing to clean up all of that owl poop every day. Harry starts emailing a group of disaffected wizards in Arizona. They invite him to come out and join their organization known as “The Order of the Phoenix.”
The novel ends as Harry is met at the Barry Goldwater terminal of the Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport by none other than the evil wizard Voldemort who is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, yellow checked golf pants and sunglasses. Voldemort shakes the stunned Harry’s hand and announces, “Harry, I am your father.”
In related news, Broken Newz has also learned that the 6th and 7th novels in the Harry Potter series will have the respective titles of Harry Potter and the Temple of Doom and Harry Potter: A New Beginning.
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If all goes well, you can save more than one innocent life tonight
Albus Dumbledore
"It is time," he said, "for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry. Please sit down. I am going to tell you everything."
Albus Dumbledore
Harry Potter and The Order of the Phenonix
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