Ladyeevil
DNMF#2
Posts: 132
(7/26/03 7:24 pm)
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 Time to switch gears... Losing it over someone I don't know
No wonder I lost my mind. Its been a roller coaster ride.. I wonder if Nathaniel's life is always so full of high drama. For a month and a half of my life, I...
1. Met Nathaniel and he made me feel like a queen.
2. Began to feel normal, as I took real life steps to change my life, but also become a serious fan of the actor and not just the character.
3. The A.M. controversy got me feeling protective of Nathaniel.
4. Began to feel normal again with the same goals of #2 except I began to wonder more about Nathaniel, and started therefore to think about him more.
5. Read all his articles in the media section and got feeling somethings in common with him, all the while changes in my body were profound.
6. Began to feel normal again as in #2 and #4, although seriously considering the Luncheon and seeing if I could flirt with him, just to see where I could get, with a you-never-know attitude.
7. The firing controversy got my emotions going like never before, and all the connections I made came to a head...
So the next step is to get normal again... but to stay that way this time. I never seemed to get past the starting stages of normalcy before I was back bouncing off the walls about him because of something new. But the buck stops here because I've analyzed it and have the rollercoaster figured out.
I told myself that I'd give myself this weekend to work through my issues, and come to terms with all the craziness, post my heart out here and at the Booth until I sorted through it all.. And I'm ahead of schedule. Best of all, I think I helped others as much as they've helped me, and that's a big bonus. (That's why I'm not as ashamed of my outbreak of posts the last day or so.. only the old ones)
I still support him in any way a fan can. I still am attracted to him (of course, aren't we all?), and even more, I LOVE his larger than life work. But the emotions are the things that don't belong in this list.
I guess we won't be posting very often because our spirits have been dampened. Until the last MARCAL scene though, I plan to hang more in the Al folder, and, when I'm confident about my emotions, the Crazy in Love folder.. but only to drool. I think that if Nate were to know about all this, he'd prefer that anyhow. Maybe someday, when its all settled down, we can continue our research... see his other movies and schedule talks with each other about them. I think my fan fiction is on hiatus until that time too, unless I feel confident about it. I hope to have the heart for it sooner, but I'm really just trying to not think so much about anything having to do with Nathaniel, ya know? Its just not healthy, and though I do love to push the envelope on everything, right to the edge of every taboo... I know when to come back before I'm too fargone. That's something I'm proud of about myself.
I'm going to accept the terms of Nathaniel's departure with the gut instinct that maybe these are the terms he wanted to leave under, even if he didn't want to leave the show. We will never really know what happened. I'm going to think of Nathaniel as the guy who took his Grandmother out, and shopping; has fascinating interests I loved to enjoy with him in my fantasies; said nice things to the press; was intense with his fans; saw right through me even when I was trying to hide it from him; and above all, as talented as all get out!!! I'm going to think of Nathaniel as being a layered person, as I've suspected all along, who probably has some dark edges that he doesn't show publically, that only makes him more intriquing for me. I'm going to think about the fact that I will probably never get to see him again for even a second, and never be able to tempt him into something eevil, not that I would have had the opportunity to get him to trust me even if he wanted to play with the idea... I've been far too candid here for him to believe I'd be discreet, even though that would be a wrong assumption. I'm going to think about the fact that I can't even enjoy him like a fan in line to see him for a moment because he's not with the show anymore. I'm going to think about how I will always be interested in his career and visit here to enjoy the friends I made fantasizing about him. But I have to stop thinking about him personally. Its the first time this happened to me, so I didn't know exactly how to work with it, but I think I did well balancing such a desire with my intellect. I can dream all day that I somehow psychically tapped into a side of him no one knows about, a side I relate to, but it doesn't change the fact that the deck is stacked against me ever connecting with him again, not that the cards were in my favor before, lol. I'm going to think about the fact that even if we can follow his career, there won't be weekly things to talk about because it probably won't be our soap, though I'd take up any dumb show just to support him. I'm going to remind myself about how he probably doesn't have any interest in the opinions of people he doesn't know or have any interacting with, and how I don't blame him at all because in truth, I'm the same way. All the guys who wanted to get with me who might have been enjoyable, but I didn't give them the time of day, even though some were cute, and would have been happy to be my friend. So how can I expect different from him? I only wish geography wasn't the problem, because if I was meant to know him on some level somehow, and we really do have common interests, in some parallel universe, I could have run into him. I will leave these thoughts, and move on tonight, as I go back into my darkly interesting world that I am enjoying, instead of suffering trying to be something I'm not, and all because of his inspiration. I hope Nathaniel finds what he's looking for, and I hope that whatever he is doing, he is laughing somewhere, and having as good a time as I am. And if not, I hope he finds the inspiration he needs somewhere, like I got from him, to get back to that place that all people want for themselves.. and I hope he knows that even if all else failed, there's an email address he can always use, no matter what.
Take care ladies.. see you around the Booth, and to enjoy what we have left of Al...
Char
Life will never be the same without you...Edited by: Ladyeevil at: 7/30/03 2:54 am
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