SharonW1124
ezOP
Posts: 3
(9/20/02 6:06 am)
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an emotional vent on a bad night
One of my biggest challenges that I have had to overcome in therapy since my little crisis this past year has been to recognize and verbalize what I am feeling. So I am gonna keep this simple. I am feeling upset, frustrated, overwhelmed, scared, alone, tired, hurting, and a jumble of other stuff that I haven’t figured out yet. Why does this illness always find you at your highest points, when you are feeling the most optimistic about your future and kick you right back down.
By now you have realized that I am having a bad night. I’m tired. I can’t do this again. I can’t face falling backwards. I can’t manage another crisis. I have too much planned. I got my permit. I am learning to drive. I sent in my admissions stuff to start school in the spring. I won’t let this darn disease take away what I am building my life into. But I have moments where I don’t know how much fight I have in me for another big battle.
It feels like every time I get up the rug gets pulled back out. I know in most of my thoughtful moments that all I have been thru has shaped who I am. I am proud for the most part of how I have risen to the things life and this illness have thrown at me. I believe that all of the hard things in life have been there to point me in a new direction or teach me something. But I don’t want a major life lesson now. I don’t want a challenge to rise to. I just want my stability back. I don’t want to be scared that I am going to crash.
I guess you should know what set me off. I went to the er tonight for an awful headache with nausea that was bad too. They ended up telling me that I am in their file as having a treatment plan that says no pain treatment. They have me down as drug seeking. I couldn’t argue. I am too tired. I’ll talk to the neurosurgeon tomorrow and get his thoughts. I’ll get an MRI ordered. But for tonight again I’ll stay up cause I can’t stay asleep without my head getting worse and waking me up anyway. But I’ll keep planning what I am going to be doing. This won’t stop me. I’ll get thru somehow. I always do. I’m really tired of having to though.
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